Oprah’s Got Nothing On Me

I feel a lot like Oprah this week.

And the movers get a thousand dollars! The auto-hauler gets a thousand dollars! Whoops there goes another thousand just for funsies!

As I spend my meager fortune far faster than I ever made it, I’m starting to wonder why we have so much crap. When I moved to California almost a decade ago, I had three boxes and an iPod packed into the back of my SUV. That was it. Now the packing list includes, but is not limited too, a bed, a television, a baby crib, boxes of clothes, books, toys, and years of accumulated clutter. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just sell it all instead of packing it? Wait a second, I can! Digital Garage Sale anyone?

Easy stuff first. Let’s sell our dishes! They’re heavy to travel with and easy to replace. Okay, next decision; do we donate them to GoodWill or a Skeet-shooting range? The toaster and microwave can go but there’s no question about it, we have to keep the Margaritaville Blender. It’s always five o’clock somewhere right? I can’t decide if that or the coffeepot are my favorite appliances. Speaking of the coffee pot, that’s gotta go too, but it will be one of the last things to go.

Well, we can’t sell the bed. We love sleep. It’s more a part of the family than the cat. Same goes for my son’s carefully curated collection of cars. We’re planning on those paying for his college tuition one day. But the clothes we can definitely pare down. I don’t care how cool the light up Lightning McQueen sneakers are. No toddler needs five pairs of shoes.

There’s no hope of using that same discernment for our home-library of books. Bex asked me to make a keep/donate pile the other day. She came back an hour later to a giant pile of books on the bed, and me rereading Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire to Boy Wonder.

Did you even start yet?

I’m finished. Those are the books we are keeping.” I point to the mountain of books on our bed.

And the donate pile?

I point out two by the door. “I only kept the ones that have sentimental value.”

Can’t forget about our car! Technically it’s our second car. Do we sell it or take it? I love my car. It’s the car I drove across country in. Plus, I couldn’t buy a used car for less than it would cost me to ship it. So, I guess that settles that.

You know what? I almost forgot how lazy I am. We live in a “two-story walk up”. I believe that’s French for “no elevator.” I don’t see myself schlepping a mattress, boxes, and crib anywhere, let alone downstairs. I’d rather pay someone to do it for me. . . Wait a second! If they’re taking one thing, they might as well take all the things! Bex, fire up the blender and call my agent. It’s time to get my Oprah on again.

The movers get $1,000.
The auto hauler gets $1,000.
IncrediDad gets $1,000.
All his money goes to moving costs.

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