”Twas two weeks before Christmas”

Twas two weeks before Christmas, On baby’s first year. It felt like his parents hadn’t slept in a year.

Bills left unpaid, presents unbought, even the dog was left there unwalked

The laundry was tossed on the floor without care. Why bother cleaning now? Next week our relatives will be there;

But Luke was nestled all snug in his crib, with traces of breast milk left there on his bib

And Bex in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap, had just settled down for a half hour nap.

When from the kid’s bedroom arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

“What the hell do you want?” I shouted in anger. Your shouts and cries, they fill me with rancor.

Tag out I did cry, then waited for Bex. Put my head in my hands and thought dear lord what’s next?

When, what to my terrified eyes should appear, his diaper was flooded with poop from his rear.

That dear little kid filled his diaper so quick, I knew in an instant that I’d be quite sick,

“He left you as present!” I said with a smile, “I gotta go fix a bottle this while.”

And she screamed and she shouted and called me choice names

“You asshole, You bastard, you son of a bitch. “I hope that you trip and you fall in a ditch.”

From the top of his back to the tips of his toes, there was even some poop on the point of his nose.”

With bills in the stockings and cat pee on the tree

I shook my head and said “What’s the matter with me?”

Christmas should be fun,joyous, and merry and shouldn’t make me want to take a sip of the sherry.

So out to the car I went in a hurry and packed all our bags in a vigorous fury

We”ll buy presents later, but I’ve got a plan to take back Christmas and make me the man.

I dream of palms trees instead of white snow

So I said to Bex “To the beach we must go!”

As the traffic grew lighter we bid the city goodbye

Good times were upon us, palm trees and blue skies.

We’re all dressed in bright colours, shorts and flip flop

I even made Luke a coconut bikini top

And as we laid there, all cozy in sand, I turned to my wife and said if “Santa can’t find us here, then no one can.”

No chores to do here until we go back. Even Luke nestled into Bex’ juicy rack.

My eyes, how they twinkled and Luke was quite merry. His belly was full, and his nap would come soon, very.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow and his diaper was clean as white as the snow;

The stump of his binky he held tight in his teeth, and the drool it encircled his mouth like a wreath.

He had a broad face, and a little round belly that shook when he cried, like a bowl full of jelly:

But now he was napping, quite peaceful and sound and I said to Bex, let’s stay here where no ones around

My cute little guy never wiggled his head

It was here on this beach Bex and I finally went to bed.

We spoke not a word, but went straight to sleep and I whispered to Bex I’ll see you next week.

As I laid my head down upon the warm sand I dreamt of Jimmy Buffett and Reggae bands.

Then Bex woke me up with a shout and whistle

Both our in-laws are here, shoot me with a guided missile

Then Bex heard me exclaim as I ran out of sight,

Happy Christmas to all but you’re on your own tonight.

The End


Bex Gaygen,Jenna Lawton, & David Gaygen

Here is our version of the “Twelve Days Of Christmas”. It was completely improvised on a long car ride the other day:


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