Baby-cizing

You know what I loved most about Bex’s pregnancy? Our stomach’s were the same size, at least for a few weeks at the end. It was great. Now we could share t-shirts. What a laundry saver!

Right after delivery, her belly was still puffed out. She was so upset about it that she would say things like, “Babe, will you still love me if I’m fat?” And as I took another bite of my donut I’d say “Well you love me don’t you?”

But a few weeks in, her waistline started to shrink back to normal. Mine did not. Seriously, she has abs. Bex looks better now than before she was pregnant. I just looked pregnant.

Clearly, I had to catch up. But who has time to work out or eat right when you have a full time job, two daily naps, a family to spend time with, and t.v. shows to catch up on? My schedule was pretty much booked 24/7. Something had to go, and to be fair, I have been in a relationship naps and t.v. much longer than I’ve known Bex and Luke.

Then one night, about three hours into binge watching a new series, I discovered that this freeloading baby might be able to pull his weight after all. Rather, I would be pulling his weight.

Babies are really lazy. They spend the first year laying around making parents do everything for them. Since you have to carry him around anyway, why not get something out of it for yourself. Some may call it selfish, I call it his rent payment.

The following workout should take a half an hour, roughly the running time of a typical sitcom.

Are you ready to work out? Okay, cue up Netflix and press play:

Arms – Fasten junior into his car seat carrier and start doing arm curls. Three sets of ten reps for each arm.

Babies are the perfect size and weight to start building those Biceps and triceps. Bicep curls are a good start but when you get bored with that, it’s time to switch it up. Try using him for a bench press or shoulder press.

Bonus Round: Reward yourself by holding a cookie in your free hand. Now alternate. Lift and crunch. Crunch and lift. Crunch and crunch. Delicious and nutritious!

Abs – Go from sitting or standing – without using your hands. Don’t count the reps. Trust me, you’ll get them in.

It never fails, as soon as I sit down, that’s when Luke wakes up and starts to cry. I don’t know about other babies but mine has terrible timing. It’s like he’s thinking “Ha, ha! The old man just got comfy. Watch What I can make him do.”

Up, Down, up, down. But look ma, no hands! Talk about an ab blaster!

And since you’re already up . . .

Legs – While holding Baby Dumbell perform: Two sets of ten squats and lunges, alternating.

All hail the invention of mobile entertainment! Start watching your shows on your phone or tablet if you want to mix things up. Now that you can take your shows with you, just strap junior into your baby carrier and do all the jobs you couldn’t do when he was awake earlier. Okay, let’s be honest. It’s not that he prevented you from doing chores, you were just too lazy. All of a sudden, standing at the sink doing those dishes is a breeze. Actually, doing the dishes still sucks, but at least you’re distracted!

Cardio – I’ve never really been a fan of moving around, increasing my heart-rate and getting sweaty. I know it’s key to getting in shape but I’ve always thought there had to be a better way than going for a jog. Just have a baby.

A baby in the house is like running consecutive marathons every day. You have to pace yourself because you’re playing a long game here. It seems like the last diaper change runs into the next feeding and then he’s awake so you can’t not play with him. Just when you think you can rest a second because you’ve got him down for a nap, he’s wide awake, so the it starts all over again. It’s a vicious cycle filled with low impact and high aerobic activity.

Before I wrap this up . . .mmmm wraps. I could go for a turkey wrap right about now. . . Before I wrap this up, I want to talk about another important fitness topic that your baby can help with.

Diet – Having a well-balanced diet is important. We all know that. Back in the B.L. days my diet was very unbalanced. I love eating food. I love food more than I like most people. There are few foods I’ve met that I haven’t hit it off with right away. Except for tunafish, I steer clear of that weirdo at all costs.

Fortunately, Luke is really useful at reducing the amount of food I consume. I consider myself lucky if I have three meals a day. I guarantee you these meals are never hot.

“Gee, I’m really looking forward to this pizza . . . Oh, the baby is hungry? I guess I’ll eat later.”

“Yes, Bex made ribs! But the baby is awake. Go ahead and eat honey. We’re just gonna catch up on our Dr. Seuss and then get a workout in before bed. I’ll just have leftovers later.”

By now, your half hour show has ended and you’re one episode closer to getting that IncrediDad body you’ve always wanted. It’s not that I need an excuse to start another series but the next time Bex complains that I’m watching too much t.v., I’ll just explain how I’m multi-tasking. Bonding with the baby, working out, and relaxing, all at once! I’m a triple threat.

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