National Lampoon’s Cross-Country Vacation

"Well I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation...it's a quest. It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun! We're all gonna have so much f***in' fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our damn smiles! You'll be whistling Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah out of your assholes!!!!"- Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Vacation Yesterday, I packed the car for what will not be…
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Our San Franciscan Day

You probably figured we’d be halfway across the country by now, huh? Surprise! We are still in the same state we started, only eight hours North. We wanted to visit Bex’s side of the family for a few days. It's been a lot of fun. Of course I love spending time with family but I always look forward to a day in San Francisco. It’s on my list of Top 10 Favorite Cities in the world. Here’s…
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A House Is Not A Home

We moved out of our apartment today. After weeks of packing, trashing, and cleaning, this was a really big deal for us. Obviously it was not as big of a deal for our landlord who never showed up for our move-out appointment. Martha, if you’re reading this, we left the keys and garage remote on the kitchen counter. Good bye and good luck! Maybe you remember me describing our apartment two years…
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Simple Distractions

IncreiMom and I like to treat Boy Wonder to the fine dining experiences of Red Robin, IHOP, and occasionally Arby's. It's really a great deal. He shares off of my plate, which cuts calories for me. Then I burn off whatever I am able to shovel in my mouth (inside ten seconds) by chasing him around the restaurant after he declares "All done!". I don’t even feel guilty because it's dinner and a…
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Excuses

I've got a million of them. When Bex asks me why I haven't done the dishes, I can usually get away with using Boy Wonder as my excuse. He's too young to know I'm using him as my scapegoat but every once in a while he gives me an accusing look that makes me wonder if he suspects what I am up to. But I have excuses for everything. I have excuses for not working out, for eating an entire pint of…
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I’m Alfred, Not Batman

As a father, and as a human being, I've learned to take the good with the bad. For example, it's a good thing that Boy Wonder has learned the word please. He knows it's proper use; "Peanut Butter peeze.", "Binky please.", "Money please." Wait a second, what was that? The flip side is that he knows how to weaponize the word too. "Phone please! Pleeeeeeease. PLEASE!" But he's just so damn cute, how…
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Swimming Tips For Toddlers Under Two

If mermaids were real then my son would be Aquaman. He loves bath-time, shower-time, trips to the pool, and a day at the beach. If there’s water involved, Boy Wonder will play until his fingers are nice and pruny. Being part fish runs in the family though. IncrediMom and I are both swimmers from way back. My first job was Lifeguard and Swim Instructor at my local YMCA. That or your community…
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Auld Lang Syne

Parents, tonight when the ball drops and everyone is trying to sing the song they can't remember the words to, replace those "Auld lang syne" lyrics with "days gone by". You'll be able to sing along with confidence knowing the song's true meaning. And know that, when you refill your glass, you're celebrating not the days (because they tend to stretch on far too long) but the year gone by (and…
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The First Year

October 30th, 2018 Dear Boy Wonder, If you are reading this, that means you've discovered that I've been publishing stories about your life since day one. It also means we are in the future and I'm probably too old to care that you're embarrassed by it. Regardless, there are some things I want to share with you: Your mother is always right. Even when she's wrong. Always ask questions and never…
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