Ever since I was a little kid I’ve wanted super powers, which is the coolest thing in the world. But before I could possess great power, I needed to become a superhero. Every superhero has an origin story. By now, you’ve read mine. If you haven’t, then what the hell are you doing? Go back and read the thirteen stories that came before this one. Go ahead, I’ll wait. . .
Welcome back! Now that you’re all caught up, I can tell you how I discovered my superpowers. You didn’t think I became IncrediDad without superpowers, did you?
Forget about super-strength, laser vision, or my personal favorite, the ability to devour an entire cheesecake by myself, in one sitting; the best superhero powers are the practical ones. They are the powers I never knew I had until the moment I needed to use them.
For example, If you’ve ever wanted to feel like Batman and Bruce Wayne all at once, I highly recommend procuring a newborn. By day, you can wear a tie, make powerful decisions, and earn lots of money. I never did those things but someone could. YOU could.
After work, you can fix yourself a margarita and have dinner with your smoking hot wife. This, I have done. I’m not trying to brag or anything but Bex registers so high on the Babe Scale that when people find out we’re married they say “Whaaaat? How did that happen?”
Anyway, while most men would climb into their bed of silk sheets after dinner, you slide down your bat-pole and burn the midnight oil as your superhero alter ego – The IncrediDad!
Now you have a name that’s feared throughout nurseries far and wide. Legend says you can silence a crying baby in a single, whispered, try. Mommies say you’re a man of legend (in your own mind) but that’s only because she misses all the action. She will never realize your secret identity because by morning, you’re back to looking like yourself. The dark circles under your eyes serve to hide your true identity.
While she sleeps through the midnight feedings and diaper changes, you lurk in the shadows, bat-bottle at the ready, until hunger strikes. You know there are only precious moments to stop your angelic baby from turning into the monstrous Two-Face or the grunting Penguin.
No diaper is too dangerous for you to handle. Your utility belt is always equipped with extra-diapers, sensitive wipes, and butt paste. But if you’re raising a Boy Wonder, then your secret weapon, your bat-a-rang, is the wee guard. It’s a little cup that intercepts the rogue stream of pee before it has a chance to hit you in the face. Take that Joker.
Once you’ve cleaned up the mean streets of diaper alley, soothed the rogue baby with a bat-bottle, and swaddled them safely back in Arkham Playpen, you might get an hour of shut eye before you have to face the world again as your millionaire, playboy, philanthropist self.
There you have it, the ultimate super power of the IncrediDad’s. It’s the ability to function on less than two hours sleep and somehow make it look fun.
That’s right, I may be The IncrediDad but there’s many more IncrediDad’s out there. We keep our identity a secret to protect the ones we love but if you know what to look for, you can spot us. Look around you. See that fat guy who fell asleep on the couch after dinner, IncrediDad. That man yelling from the side of the soccer field, IncrediDad. Your local 7-11 clerk, the one with the nice smile, not the half asleep teenager, yup him too. If you’re reading this, there’s a chance you are an IncrediDad too. I’ll see you at the IncrediTower on Tuesday for our bi-monthly union meeting.
Now, I’ll let you in on a secret that all the best IncrediDads know; It’s not about powers at all. Being an IncrediDad is about who’s not afraid. It’s about who’s going to step up and do what has to be done when no one else can. And we’re gonna do it, right after this nap.