NICU – The Sitcom


Ladies and Gentlemen, please pardon the interruption. We now return you to the number one sitcom in America – The NICU.

Starring Luke Gaygen as a fictional version of himself, the show revolves around a handful of newborns and their hilarious hi-jinx in the hospital.

Luke is a strong and healthy baby who wound up getting moved into room #8 in the NICU after a mistake was made on delivery day. He was only seeing how long he could hold his breathe but the doctors, mommy, and daddy all overreacted and locked him up with all the preemies, sickly, and generally confused babies. But, hey, at least he got a sweet bachelor pad out of the deal.

Luke’s room is not too much different than your average studio apartment. There’s a sink, a recliner, a view of the freeway, and a computer that constantly streams lullaby versions of Disney tunes. What sets it apart is his self heating bed with the retractable dome. That thing keeps him so comfortable that he sleeps in only a diaper, no matter the weather. Another added bonus is that three of his four apartment walls are made of glass. This allows for the aforementioned views of the freeway parking lot on one side and the nurses station on the other side, not that he’s looking. Most of them are too old for him anyways. Cougars.

There’s a strange black light glow that constantly illuminates the third wall in Luke’s room. That’s because his bachelor pad adjoins with his neighbor in #7. Before they met Luke only suspected what went on under that purple light, behind the sliding glass door. Now that they’re best friends he knows for certain that Caladin, Cal for short, is using the place as a grow room so he could barter for the best diapers and premium formula.

Cal’s been in the NICU for thirty-seven days already. By now he’s a veteran and happy to take Luke under his wing and show him the ropes, so long as he follows the rules.

-Rule #1-

Stay away from the preemie in room #3.

Apparently Cal has a casual thing going with her. It’s nothing serious, just silly stuff like swapping binkies at nap time, but still that stoner baby is protective of her.

-Rule 2-

Don’t be that baby.

Emily down in #5 was born at 26 weeks. She’s a preemie in every sense of the word and boy does she act like it. She’s fussy. She’s picky. Her heated bed is never the “right” temp. Worst of all, she cries over everything. Nurses and babies alike can all agree, if you want to be the most hated kid in the ward, act like Emily.

-Rule #3-

The cuter you act, the better they treat you.

You want the gentle nurses who put the IV in your elbow instead of your foot? You wanna be swaddled extra-tight? Maybe you just want those good nurses leave you alone. Then stick your binky up in there and shut it. They won’t bother you except  to feed you and change your wet diaper.

After Emily and Cal, there’s Sebastian. He’s what they call “lifer” even though no one seems to know what’s wrong with him. That status is not without it’s perks however. He is the only baby on the floor with a crib, a heated bed, and a swing. Luke and Cal spend a lot of their time debating the mystery of Sebastian but never seem to get any closer to an explanation.

Finally, Luke’s love interest enters the picture, usually every other day around eleven a.m. Her name is Lindsey and she works in radiology. While it’s a respectable career, Daddy thinks the tramp is far to old for him. But, she does fawn and fuss over the baby so, it might not be the worst first relationship a person has been in.

Don’t forget to tune into the heart wrenching series finale when Luke finds out he’s finally getting discharged. How will Cal, Emily, and his girlfriend in radiology react to the news? Where will our hero go next? I can answer that last one. Just come back tomorrow and read the next post.

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